Angel's Landing and Fear

It was just a few years ago that I had to climb my 32 foot ladder to fix shingle on our roof. Our daughter Téah's room was getting water in it every time we got a significant rain. I'd climbed ladders a lot in the past. Mostly at our former house, an 1860 Victorian just down the road from where we live now. I'd painted about half of the house, including work on a 40' ladder with no harnessing or scaffolds. It was hard, long work. Before all that, when Alyssa and I had something known as "free-time," we both liked to rock climb. I was pretty good at it, and really loved it. I even had the opportunity to climb an 80' frozen waterfall in 2000 with crampons and ice axes in both hands. Back on our current home with the damaged singles, I figured some tar would do the job since it seemed the actually roofing material was fine. After painting on some of that thick, black goo I scrambled across the roof to the top of the ladder and froze. I really didn't know what was happening. I couldn't get back on the ladder. I tried to get turned around to start the first step but I just couldn't do it. My heart started pounding, my breathing was shallow and fast. I was having a panic attack, something I'd never felt before.

The ridge to Angel's Landing 1500 feet above Zion Canyon.

From that moment on I've been afraid of heights, and depths too, being over open water on brides and even in boats, if I think about the depth can get to me. I really don't have any other phobias or fears, that I can think of. A few weeks ago when we were finishing planning our trip to Utah, Arizona, Nevada and California I made the decision that I wouldn't try to do a certain very popular hike called Angel's Landing in Zion National Park. I read about it, talked to friends about it, and decided I would not, probably could not, do it. The climb is about 3 miles up from the floor of Zion Canyon. The last half-mile follows a steep and narrow ridge from Scout Lookout to Angel's Landing itself with at times only a few feet on either side. A fall would take a hiker/climber down 1500 feet directly to the canyon floor.

Alyssa and Téah made it to the top, Micah, Lyle and I decided we'd hike up to Scouts Lookout and wait for the girls to finish the last half mile before descending together. When Téah and Alyssa returned Micah and I decided to go ahead and try the first portion of the climb where chains are bolted to the side of the mountain. It's a steep section, but not very exposed or dangerous. We got up that section and decided to go a little further. I'd been trying to figure out what was causing my fear of heights and how to avoid the panic that I knew could ensue when I looked down. I also learned that my kids going toward an edge felt even worse than me doing the same. We went one little section at a time up the ridge. It got more and more narrow and exposed. About 1/4 of the way to the top we thought about turning around. At that point I thought about something I've often done in my life, start something really good or hard or even amazing, but quit before I finished. It's happened in my life over and over again, start strong, start with intention, but when thing get hard and there's a good reason to quit, take it. I've been trying to recognize my tendency to start strong but not finish and find ways to motivate myself to complete tasks, big or small. I decided we would reach the top, and we'd do it without becoming the 10th and 11th fatality since 2004.

We made it to the top! But that's not the end. Tomorrow I need to tell you about the descent!